Tonight I got to meet the lovely bride-to-be who bought my wedding dress. How special is that?

I donated the dress to The Brides’ Project on October 1, 2008. It would’ve been my third wedding anniversary, if cancer were a curable disease and hadn’t taken my husband away.

I donated the dress thinking it was a long shot someone would buy it. I have simple yet particular tastes, and I know that lifestyle and genetics conspire against fashion — at least, in this body. My wedding dress was altered down a couple of sizes to fit me, and it’s very low-key for a wedding dress. It wasn’t most people’s cup of tea.

I’ve been volunteering for The Brides’ Project ever since I donated the dress, two and a half years ago. My plan was to volunteer for the very geeky things, like work on the website, but for the first year I volunteered most of the time in the shop. Sometimes brides would try on the dress and I’d wonder if that was the person who would end up buying it. I never admitted to being the original dress owner, I thought it would make things awkward for the bride-to-be. And so it was passed over each time with me not saying a word about it, because I wanted to hear opinions about the dress without undue influence. I wasn’t going to take anything personally. After all, once I’d donated the dress, it was no longer mine. But that didn’t stop me from wanting to like the next buyer, and hope she would read our story online and cherish her wedding even more afterwards.

Back in February, my dress sold and the new buyer and I were put in touch with each other. It turns out she’s getting married on my BIRTHDAY. How special is that??

But that also means I can’t shoot her wedding because I will be making my annual birthday pilgrimage to a new country. (I’ve got two countries in mind, but not both for this trip. Once I book it, I’ll spill the beans.)

Then I suggested we meet, anyway. Fast forward to this evening…

… she bought me flowers! What a pleasant surprise! And, UNsurprisingly, we had a lot to discuss. It’s a good feeling knowing that the dress found its way to such a lovely person who feels much the same way I do about many things, but she had the wherewithal to find our story online (without any direction from me) and take it to heart. It’s all I could have ever hoped for.

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Eat things we wouldn’t otherwise.
Face our fears head-on.
Convince a nomad to settle down and have babies.
Get a Canadian to move to the U.S. during the Bush Administration.
Persuade a die-hard urban-dweller to live in a small town.
Put up with a really ugly kitchen.
Admit that pink isn’t so bad.
Shovel snow? Sub-zero winter?

The friends were amazed. Now that’s love…

October 1, 2005 was our wedding, exactly one year after we met in person. Cancer ruined our day, but with David’s resolve we got married before he was taken to the Emergency Room. Now that’s love…

What do I think of love now? That’s a good question. I’m unable to answer completely. Honestly, I think it would be greedy to expect more than what I’ve experienced of it in this lifetime, especially as I feel I continue to benefit from it today, several years later. Love has empowered me. But if it comes around again, I won’t turn away.

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Today I pulled my wedding dress out of its storage container, hung it up, and took a few photos of it before I sent it on its way.

There’s a lot of emphasis on the wedding dress as a symbol of marriage, because for the groom a tuxedo can be worn for other occasions. A wedding dress simply can’t be mistaken for anything else, especially if it has a train. Anyone can spot a wedding a mile away once that dress comes into view.

When I was at The Brides’ Project over the weekend, they told me as with all private donations I could write a letter to accompany the dress, which would only be opened once the new owner claimed it. Every dress has a story, and mine is no exception. But mine is such a big story that I don’t know if I could tell it in a letter format. After all, I’ve been writing in this website for years and I don’t think I’ve finished telling our story.

I was thinking I could write an open letter here and just put the URL in the letter with the dress. Maybe other brides-to-be will see it, and think about what it means to walk down that aisle. I don’t believe you have to get married to make the commitment to love and care for someone the rest of your lives, but if you choose to get married the highest level of commitment will be expected of you, and only you will know if you can live up to it.

Three years down the road, I can honestly say I would probably pick the same dress if I could do it all over again. The shop owner told me flat out that it was all wrong for me, but I didn’t listen to her and tried it on, anyway. Once I saw myself in it I knew this would be my wedding dress, and once she saw I was right about the dress she stopped trying to talk me out of it. There are some things in life I am certain of, and choosing that dress was one of them.

The other was marrying David Fielding, in spite of everything that happened since. My only regret is not meeting him sooner, because then we would’ve had more time together. Maybe we would’ve even had a child together by now.

It’s taken three years, but I’m finally ready to let the dress go, to make someone else happy on her wedding day, and benefit a child or adult dealing with cancer. It’s taken me a while to find a sense of purpose again, and now the dress can begin its own new journey, too.

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I spent Saturday afternoon at a house on Broadview Avenue here in Toronto, documenting the search for a wedding dress for a photography client and getting a firsthand look at how The Brides’ Project works.

It all started with an email from Haida last week, inviting me to accompany her on a bridal-themed weekend which included trying on wedding gowns and attending a bridal show. She sent along a link to The Brides’ Project and I was intrigued by the concept as this is something I’d never heard of before but wished was around when I was shopping for a wedding dress in ’04/’05, even before cancer had touched my own life in such a personal way.

Taken from the About page for The Brides’ Project:

It’s about brides helping brides have a beautiful, memorable and budget-conscious wedding without mortgaging the house! I also provide a warm, friendly and comfortable environment for browsing, trying on dresses, and relaxing. I won’t follow you into the change room… you just make yourself at home. But, if you find THE dress, I wanna see! The glow on a woman’s face in the perfect gown is one of the reasons that I do this… but there is another that is very dear to me, and the reason why I started The Project.

Helping Children and adults with cancer: The driving force behind The Brides’ Project was that I lost my best friend to cancer when we were both 9 years old. It’s one of those memories that has stayed with me because I felt so helpless at the time. One of things that we can ALL do to help a child with cancer is to contribute towards sending them to camp and provide ongoing events and services that bring joy to their lives. These services are incredibly important… and go far beyond the camp experience. They are year-round, comprehensive programs that provide the needed support, and give them a smile when they need it most! These camps and other events allow them to be with their friends and other children, growing relationships and bonds that will last a lifetime. Cancer robs them of their childhood while they’re surrounded by doctors, hospitals, chemo and other medical interventions, but through the Brides’ Project and our partners, we can help them laugh and play like other kids. All proceeds from gown donations go directly to help the kids. Further to helping the children; adults, friends, and family are also victims of cancer. We try to contribute as much as possible to the Canadian Cancer Society and Breast Cancer Foundation during the year through events that our clients volunteer for. If you’re willing to participate, we’re willing to contribute. Typical contributions are $1000 per event to sponsor YOUR effort!

Your role: Your donation of wedding items or contribution to The Brides’ Project will go a long way in helping other brides have their perfect wedding, and make a huge difference in our ability to donate to the children and other cancer charities. Your support by purchasing or donating your gown, accessories, bouquets, and many other items we provide will help keep this project going and help me continue offering donations to Camp Quality and the other organizations we support that help the fight against cancer. Get involved, and help us make a difference. Join a walk or other event to support cancer charities. We’ll support you and join you.

The Brides’ Project is truly a community of women dedicated to making a difference through the happiest day of our lives.

I wanted to see the project for myself, meet the staff and volunteers, and get a sense of the kind of work they do for brides and the community. Anyone who’s familiar with the wedding industry as a bride will know how frustrating and intimidating the process of wedding planning can be, and having to face the hard sell at every turn is stressful — especially when searching for a wedding dress. AT LAST there is an alternative, but along with being a financially-driven alternative it is one that may be motivated by altruism: 100% of the profits go to cancer charities.

In the days since receiving Haida’s email and reading the website, I’ve been thinking about donating my own wedding dress, which is stored next to David’s Civil Air Patrol uniform in my closet. I decided today, after visiting The Brides’ Project, that October 1 (Wednesday) is the day I’m going to do it. It would have been my third wedding anniversary. I was going to write a long post about why I’m doing it now, but I think I will save that for after Wednesday. Suffice it to say, I wasn’t ready to give up the dress until I had a good enough reason to, and now I’ve found it.

I have also offered my volunteer services for The Brides’ Project, which is (surprise) photography- and technically-related. And which is much more up my alley than dresses, I think.

Back to the dress search: in the end, after trying on a bunch of gowns, Haida made The Big Decision on a dress, a decision happily endorsed by her two friends who were along for support. Since the dress is supposed to be the biggest surprise of the day (especially for her fiance), I obviously can’t show you any photos of it, but I can tell you it’s beautiful! But, more importantly, it’s beautiful on Haida!

Afterwards, the four of us went for a meal at Salad King (you can see my spicy tofu dish in the previous post), which was a not-so-good idea since I was due for a big meal at 7:30, but by the time we were finished at The Brides’ Project I was FAMISHED. It was my first meal of the day!

When I arrived home I had less than an hour before I was supposed to join Lauren and Company for her bachelorette party, which included a trip to Medieval Times — conveniently located near my neighbourhood — but I was still stuffed and completely and utterly WIPED OUT. I really wanted to go, too, but after The Brides’ Project there was nothing I wanted to do more than crawl into my bed and sleep into next week. It’s been nearly three years, but the emotional drain of my own wedding and the subsequent events is still strong. I know it, after attending more weddings since that day than ever before, that it sits under the surface of what people see of me on and around the day, but I feel it. I am strong enough to get through the preparation, the planning, and the photography, but I spot the patterns of when I tap out and I know when I have to listen to myself to bow out. Saturday night was one of those times.

But I’ll feel better in the morning. I always do.

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It was a “heads up” wedding announcement to our friends and family. David and I designed it together, while I was in Vancouver packing up my apartment and he was in Pennsylvania, waiting for me to come home to him.

Except for the picture of the Tri-Pacer (I think one of David’s cadets took that one), we took the photos ourselves. As one of the radiation clinic nurses said, “You guys were a team.”

View larger.

2007 has been much kinder to me than 2006, but even with all the good stuff happening to me recently, not a day goes by when I didn’t wish with every fibre of my being that I could share it with David. He was always such a great source of encouragement for me, and not having him here makes good news a little less exciting… or incomplete, somehow.

Next week I begin my 10-week program with an adult grief support group. There was no space left for the fall session, at least in the evening, so I’ve had to wait a few months. I haven’t been to counselling for a couple of months or more, but I’m looking forward to trying a small group setting. There are only 8-10 people in each group and each session lasts for two hours, so everyone should have a chance to speak. One issue I had with individual counselling is the 50-minute time limit. That time frame just didn’t seem to work for me — I felt rushed and anxious and under pressure. At least in a group setting, I don’t feel obligated to do most of the talking. As well, the counsellor/patient dynamic is very different from a peer environment, and the latter is what I need right now.

Tomorrow is my last day as an agency temp, and today when I was given my contract paperwork to fill out, there were some spouse forms included in the package. It’s been years since I received benefits, so those pages took me by surprise.

“Oh, I guess you won’t be needing those,” the administrator said, and removed them from the package.

Welcome to widowhood, I thought.

Technorati tags: postcard, wedding announcement

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April 29, 2005
House of Fielding
Scranton, Pennsylvania

David carving our initials into the magnolia tree beside our house.

October 1, 2006
I made this videoclip to mark what would’ve been our first anniversary. A smaller, slightly different version can be found here on Blip.TV.

Music: “Fly Me to the Moon” – Frank Sinatra
Track #13 on David’s memorial CD. (My goal is to make videoclips using all 14 tracks. This is the fifth one so far.)

I did go to Rhinebeck today, and Wednesday, Sep 20. Hugh’s ashes were scattered from the museum biplane yesterday (Saturday). More on this after I return to Toronto.

Hugh’s YouTube video playlist:

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Until Holly pointed it out, I hadn’t realised that I hadn’t yet followed through with my plan to take a photo of all three rings together. Before I went to Europe in March, I was thinking of taking photos of the three rings where David visited in 2001: London and Soerendonk (NL). The travel pace was pretty frenetic, so it didn’t happen. But I’m sure I can find more artful ways to display the rings than putting them in the foreground of tourist shots, so in the meantime, here is what they look like.

The top ring is my wedding ring, the middle one is the engagement ring, and the bottom ring is David’s. He had long, bony fingers — “spidery” is what he called them — so we were a similar ring size.

David designed the rings by working with me on drawings, using his art books from college and Art Nouveau images found online. Our wedding was originally planned with an Art Nouveau theme, and we wanted to incorporate it into my dress and various items of decor. David used a vector program for the ring designs and submitted them to the jeweller, who was enthusiastic about the project — after all, David did the hard work and left him with the fun three-dimensional modelling and making the mold! When I’ve taken the rings in for cleaning, the staff always remarked on their uniqueness.

All the stones came from David’s grandmother’s ring, which we named “The Doorknocker” and was melted down:

The photos below were taken in August, when David was first admitted for chemotherapy and scans at Mercy Hospital. I brought our rings to the hospital to wear, because we needed whatever boost of morale we could possibly summon. We felt like a married couple already.

I’m still in the process of writing the individual emails to personally thank everyone who has ordered a fundraising bracelet. Most of you didn’t have the chance to meet my husband, but one of the reasons I write about David is so you could get to know this wonderful man who I was privileged to meet and marry. I can’t abide by the thought that his time would come and go without more people knowing about him, and what a difference he made to my life and to the lives of others, in so many positive ways. At the same time, I’m mindful of a conversation we had back in August or September, early in his treatment:

“I don’t want to be known as CancerDave,” he said.

I nodded. He paused, then continued:

“But I want to play with my grandchildren in the park while wearing a t-shirt that says ‘I BEAT CANCER’…”

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The full set of dress photos is here. I had the veil made because I didn’t like anything in the shops, and it ended up being much cheaper, more comfortable, and exactly what I wanted.

My advice to anyone in the market for a wedding dress: don’t bend under the pressure from others, whether it’s a salesperson or well-meaning relative. If you aren’t excited about it, don’t buy it. Consider having it made. Stick to your guns, and you won’t regret it.

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Melissa’s Dress (July 17, 2005)

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I believe this is the first photo from our wedding — with people in it — that I’ve ever posted here. Melissa was fascinated with my outfit — the lighting obscures her hand, but she’s peering at it through the opaqueness of the veil. Her grandmother took one of the gift ribbons and put it in her hair. I thought she looked very cute.

David and I didn’t have any pictures together on the day because he went directly to the hospital after the vows. We’d been meaning to get dressed up at a later date when he was well enough to sit for formal pictures, but whenever David was feeling at all well, we went flying instead. Those opportunities were scarce, and as much as we enjoyed photos, our shared passion was for flying.

I was going through my hard drive earlier for other reasons and came across this photo, with Vinny in the background. I doctored it a bit in Photoshop but the photo credit goes to Sue, whose husband officiated our wedding.

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From: David Fielding
Date: October 18, 2004 8:55:08 AM EDT
To: [my boss]
Subject: Hello, and thank you

Dear Sir,

I am writing to inform you that I have fallen in love with one of your employees…

And to thank you, on her behalf and mine, for letting her work remotely from Pennsylvania for a while. Gail speaks very highly of you; and I can tell that she is very devoted to her job, and to you. I look forward to meeting you myself to thank you in person.

This means a lot to us. Gail and I feel very strongly about one another, and our main hardship to overcome is distance. This arrangement will allow us to do that, and let our relationship grow. I will, of course, do everything I can to equip a home office so that Gail can work effectively from here. And no less than that, I will look after all her needs, and take good care of her.

Let me know if you have any questions, or if there is anything else I can do for you.

Warm regards,

David Fielding

No-one could have predicted how precious little time David and I had; we were also separated by 4,000kms. I’m grateful to our employers for being understanding of our situation — both made concessions to allow us to be together. I’ll never forget that.

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