Wednesday, May 30
NY Yankees 10, Toronto Blue Jays 5

This is what the Rogers Centre (formerly Skydome) looks like with the roof open. I’m moving tomorrow, after a year with this view from my balcony at night facing east. I can’t say I’ll miss living next to a 55,000-seat baseball stadium. I’ve still not seen inside it.

Yesterday I went to a lawyer to draft a will, power of attorney and medical power of attorney. Now that life is beginning to settle a bit and I’ve taken on the risks and costs associated with learning to fly, I really couldn’t put off the estate planning paperwork any longer. I have to take out special insurance that covers aviation, and my current situation with David’s estate is out of the ordinary. In 2006 most of my life was very uncertain and in all the dozen-or-so road trips I made between Toronto, Pennsylvania, and New York I was aware of how things might turn out if I was involved in an accident. I pass by accidents all the time and think to myself that I could very easily be the person in the wreckage. If I believed in fate, maybe I would somehow know if I was destined to die young, too, and with this knowledge have the documents in order already. In any case, it would be irresponsible of me to postpone taking care of the details I know are important.

Probably on some level I’ve been putting off my own estate planning because I knew how difficult it could be to sit there in a lawyer’s office and go through it all again (and again and again), an experience I had with David after his diagnosis in August 2005, then the nightmare that followed when he died. Answering pointed questions from a total stranger about painful circumstances fills me with dread, no matter how often it happens. Someone suggested in this website early last year that the more I have to do it, the easier it becomes. But you know what? That’s bollocks. I try and stay matter-of-fact about it all, but even nearly 18 months later it’s a fresh wound. Wills are a necessary part of life, but once mine is finished I truly hope I don’t have to look at another one for a while.

I could feel myself losing composure at the lawyer’s office and I practically ran out after the meeting. By the time I reached the elevator I couldn’t hold back anymore and I just let myself cry. I tried to schedule a meeting as late in the afternoon as possible, but I took the time I could get, which meant I had to return to work. Instead of taking the streetcar in front of the office building, I walked down the street to another stop to try and put myself back together for the rest of the afternoon.

If you’re reading this and you haven’t made a will, appointed a power of attorney or medical power of attorney, please do it BEFORE you need to. Do it while you’re healthy, while you’re as far removed from death as you’ve ever been. Just get it over with and then you won’t have to think about it anymore.