Dear Winston and Simba, and Olive, Pearl, Puck, Clyde and Opie,
Thanks for the well wishes, my feline friends. I’m finally back from HELL, where they mercilessly poke and prod, jab you with gigantic needles, shove things up your bum and down your throat. The accommodations are positively morgue-like, I swear, not fit to store TUNA!
*shakes paw*
And OY! How can a cat get any napping done around here? The inmates! The yowling, the whining, the wheezing! Even that dratted canine Gigi isn’t that bad, but don’t tell her that. It might go to her big dog head.
I gave everyone the Evil Eye, but you know what they did? They shaved my paw! Can you believe the disrespect? I’m a senior citizen for crying out loud, 15 years old, do you know how long it takes to grow back this fur? I look like a FREAK!
But I wasn’t just in Hell, my friends, I was in Hell x 2! Just when I thought I was sprung from Hell — delirious, sore, weak, with my paw wrapped up and a tube sticking out of it — I was promptly transported to Hell’s Litterbox. Just when you think there is no place worse than that Horrendous Plastic Tray You’re So Embarrassed to Be Seen In That You Can’t Look the Humans in the Eye, you find out that such a place does exist!
She took me in the car — I hate the car!! it’s just another big metal cage!! — and I was stuck in Hell’s Litterbox for another TWO DAYS. How was it? Let me put it this way: it gave me diarrhea. I can’t believe she left me there so long! I’d even say “There’ll be hell to pay!” but I was already there!
So basically I’m telling you guys that I’m happy to finally be home today, on my comfy rug and eating pieces of steak. Yeah! Steak! I might even forgive her! It must be because it’s Canada Day, but hey, I’m a barn cat from rural Pennsylvania — what do *I* know about these things? Pass the Greenies!
Your compatriot, still adjusting to Canadian Big City life,
Hugh