I’ve been trying to schedule for some much-needed therapy, but the volume of phone calls I’ve had to make recently to sort out my situation has dominated my time. I was finally able to make an appointment for 3pm today at Mercy Hospice.
I am fully aware that I need counselling, not just for grief, but what has haunted me for months now: the caregiver experience. I didn’t choose nursing as a vocation, but it has nothing to do with a lack of constitution. Watching my own husband die a horrible death from cancer, and feeling helpless and unable to do anything more for him than provide emotional comfort has worn away at me. Just getting through last week, with the preparations for the memorial, the memorial itself, and two days of legal preparations, has left me feeling shell-shocked. But that still doesn’t even touch on the mental stress of my caregiver experience.
People saw David from time to time, but I saw him every single day. He put on a brave front with other people, but with me every fear and uncertainty was expressed. He told everyone I was strong, but the truth is I’m a sensitive human being with limits. They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, but it can also have detrimental effects manifested in various ways: poor health, uncontrolled feelings of anger, despair, etc. It drives people to self-destructive behaviour, eg. eating disorders, alcoholism, drug addiction, etc. I’m not heading towards addiction, but I can feel myself wanting to withdraw from society somewhat. I don’t think anyone can blame me for negative feelings right now. (more…)